January 2008
Graceful Relations: Creating a Complaint-Free World

"If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Don't complain."
                                —Maya Angelou

It's day 100 of my practice and by the time this is posted, I will have passed 120 days of my 1,000-day meditation on living in Grace (for details, click on www.1000daysofgrace.blogspot.com). According to yogic tradition, at 40 days, I created a new habit. At 90 days, I confirmed that habit. At 120 days, the habit is who I am. At 1,000 days, I will have mastered the habit. 880 days to navigate on my own, without any benchmarks. I'm feeling a bit anxious about this. You see, I love my practice and the way it bookends my day. It is comfortable and comforting. I also appreciate the 40-, 90- and 120-day milestones that mark the path. Why the long stretch between 120 days and 100 days? Perhaps it is about bringing the practice into my everyday life. Perhaps this 880 days will focus on moving the Grace of God meditation “off the mat" and into my relationships? As I pondered this, support, help and guidance arrived in the form of a 21-day challenge and a purple silicone "complaint-free world" bracelet.

Here's the challenge: go 21 days without complaining.

Unity Minister Will Bowen offered that challenge to his congregation. He passed out purple bracelets with a simple charge: "if you catch yourself complaining, take the bracelet and move it to the other wrist." A year or so later, more than six million people have taken up the challenge, trying to go 21 consecutive days without complaining, criticizing or gossiping, and, in the process, creating a new, beneficial habit.

I've been on day one for at least three weeks. From reading Bowen's book, A Complaint-Free World and the Web site www.acomplaintfreeworld.org, I understand that it takes most people four to eight months to make it 21 consecutive days. It is a challenge, but it can be accomplished. I found out how challenging it can be just this morning. I rose at 5 a.m. and practiced yoga for an hour. When I finished, our cats waited patiently by their food bowl. I saw that the bowl was pretty full. Chocolate and Vanilla just looked at me, waiting for me to scoop some fresh food on top of what was already there. I heard myself speak my first words of the day, "You already have food!." I looked at the clock. 6:12 a.m. I moved my bracelet. My first words of the day were a complaint....and they were directed at my cats!


When I began this challenge, I considered myself an optimistic, peaceful, generous person. I thought, "I don't complain that much....this should be easy. Maybe it will be good for my family and the students in my yoga classes." So, while waiting for my official bracelet to arrive, I put a rubber band on my wrist and started. I spent the entire day astonished as I noticed how rare it was for me to have a complaint-free conversation. My rubber band broke from being moved so many times in a single day. Like most of us, I am an optimistic, peaceful, generous person. I'm also a whiny, griping, gossipy, complaining, critical person....and the first object of my attacks? Myself.

I thought that I used language carefully and that I was aware of the words I spoke. But the truth of the matter is that I am on conversational auto-pilot most of the time and that auto-pilot may not have my best interests at heart. The autopilot seems to spend most of the time—yes—complaining, criticizing and gossiping. This auto-pilot is both external and internal, guiding my conversations with others and my conversations with myself.

Bowen spends a good portion of his book defining "complaint." In practical terms, to me, it has come to mean a spoken expression of dissatisfaction. Gossiping? Complaining as bragging. We gossip to make ourselves look better by comparison. Criticism? Complaining with a sharp, personal edge.

What I realized very quickly was that habitual griping doesn't nourish me; it offers the conversational equivalent of fast food. I use complaining, gossiping and criticizing primarily to elicit sympathy or approval. I get that quick hit of superficial affirmation from another person and I think I'm good to go. Being happy and content? That's not a benefit of complaining. I also realized very quickly that complaining poisons my life. When I complain I take every situation way too personally. I believe everything I think. If I have a mantra these days it is this: Don't believe everything you think.

Maybe you're thinking, as I did, that some complaints are necessary and that it's healthy to complain—after all, you don't want to hold your feelings in. When we complain, we are saying that "something is wrong" and we intentionally increase the level of stress in our lives. We stop breathing deeply. Muscles tighten, blood pressure rises, bodies ache and we don't sleep well. Complaining is not good for our health.

I have a very specific intention for the practice: to reset my everyday attitude to one of appreciation. Bowen writes, "Your attitude, an outward expression of your inner thoughts, dictates how people will relate to you."

A student in one of my yoga classes once said, "You are so calm and peaceful. I just want to take you home with me." I looked at her and quietly said, "Don't assume I'm like this at home." Perhaps that is my true motivation—to build deeper more graceful relationships with my family and to model this practice for my three sons, ages 13, 11 and 8.

Does that mean that I will remain silent when something happens that needs to be remedied? No. It just means that I will be more attentive, choosing my words and my tone of voice with care. I will probably choose silence more. I will speak with less fear and anger. I will look very carefully for the blessings in challenges. Perhaps, through this practice, I will become the change I wish to see in the world.

Blessings to you,

Lisa

Lisa's premiere CD, titled Sacred Awakening has been released!

This meditation CD contains a complete yoga nidra practice.

Click on the CD button at the left of this page for more details.

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